ÐÏࡱáou ever seen one of these things? They just slink and sleam and filsh about like little wormy snake-like** things. I mean, I guess they’re not quite advanced enough to be worms, or eels or even hagfish or lamprey for that reason. I suppose they’re sort of like paramecium, or something. Is it paramecium or paramecia, plural that is, I don’t know, sometimes those words that you don’t use a lot are hard to put into the plural. I suppose that people that would use that word a lot would probably know which way it is and/or should be, but that brings up the dilemma of what one should call THOSE people. But really, let’s get back to the main subject here. I’ve only seen these things (the worms) in action from the stock footage reels that they play to us in biology class, so it’s not like I’ve ever seen them up close enough to really have any reference point by which to determine how small they really are. So, I guess the point of all this is that there are some creatures, in fact very many, in fact, I’d have to say about 99.9% (repeating, that is, but apparently I can’t make that little dash symbol over the last nine because microsoft {wait, what the hell is this, how come I get the little red squiggly line underneath microsoft to tell me that I misspelled it, that doesn’t go away until I capitalize the M, well that’s just too damn bad.} software is the keystone at the base of the towering ziggurat of corporate evil*** {not to mention the fact that bill gates is a devious and kinieviling SpoC}) of all organisms present in the universe are incapable of truly being able to run, walk, or even-achsh, powerwalk****. Let’s just see here, we have cilia, flagella, that little accordion thing that inchworms do, that whole bone-under-the-skin action that snakes do. I guess if something has more than 4 legs, it isn’t considered to be able to run, okay, maybe six legs, but that’s it. And once you drag in the six-legged creatures, you more than like-uh, well the number gets a heck of a lot bigger once insects are factored into the equation. Because, when you think about it, there are like, a lot of insects on Earth alone, so we’re not even including all the ones which are out there being all extraterrestrial and such and soforth. Because, let’s face it, in movies and things of the like, the aliens are almost always either insects, or reptiles, or in a few cases, humanoids, and when their not any of those, then they’re just really frickin’***** weird******. And of course, as we all know, movies mimic real life, so they have to be true. But it’s still not that big in relation to the number of organisms which can not run. I guess you could take away a few as well, if something flies of hops, it can’t run, usually. If something swims, it usually can’t run either. It’s sort of like the whole evolution of superman problem. You see, originally, superman, in the t.v. show and comics and such, you know, back in the 20’s or 50’s or whenever, it used to say “he can leap over tall buildings in a single bound.” It never said anything about flying. But eventually, like right over night, somehow he was suddenly able to fly. What the heck is this? Some people may try and pass this whole enigma off by saying that he could always fly, but he could jump really high as well. But you see, that just doesn’t make sense, because why would he need to jump really high, if he could already fly, it’s ridiculous, not to mention just plain sloppy. So really, the only explaination can be that somewhere, somebody goofed and all of a sudden gave him the ability to fly (most likely because the old superman, popularized by the early, but not the first superman television series, staring George Reeves {oddly enough, of no relation to Steve Reeves of Hercules fame, or even to Christopher Reeves, who went on to play superman in a string of four movies which spanned from the late seventies, throughout the eighties} appeared to have the ability to fly {due to the studio’s low budget for special effects back then, they could not show him believably jumping up and over buildings, however they could easily show his head and torso and outstretched arms in front of a moving back drop of the sky, with the added sound effects of the whistling wind moving past him as he soared at incredible speeds. [ yet they never once took into consideration the fact that on many of his flights which may have taken him great distances from, say, the top of the daily planet to his hometown of smallville in a matter of seconds without any sort sonic boom resulting.]}) I could go on and on about the scientific and logical inaccuracies of this supposedly “super” man (when he flies, what type of propulsion system is he using, and where is it?) but that’s not the point of all of this. The point is simply that we as humans are really quite lucky that we have the ability to run. I mean really, man-uh, just think of the-uh, the parameciums, the nematoades and so forth. I mean, they don’t even get to hop, man. They don’t even get to hop! They-don’t-even-get-to-hop-man. They don’t even get to, to-uh, to hop, man.
I think it’s number 2-uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it is number 2*******, now that I think about it.
*No one enjoys running, those that do, or think they do, are just under heavy drug regiments or psychotic influences, according to most people.
**Don’t get me started on this one. I’ll save my legendary (ssp) snake lecture, “Snakes Aren’t Quite As Bad As Leprichauns: Reasons for which St. Patrick’s Day has no justification to be celebrated, by anyone.”, for when it is truly inappropriate.
***Yes, I know it’s redundant, but it also just stresses the issue further.
****Ha! This is another one of those parts of a newsletter that should stand out as comedic, if nothing else strikes you’re fancy that way. Ha! Powerwalking.
*****censored
******Examples include: massless goo and/or slime, giant, oversized rodents and other small housepets/nuisances, such as hamsters and lobsters, and finnally, anything that hisses, growls, shreiks, or just salivates a lot.
*******Confused? GOOD! I mean, refer back to the beginning of this newsletter.
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