Ok, the guestbook is back...even though it was never gone.

C.R.A.P.

Now that we can no longer cheer the football team on to certain victory and pay homage to them daily, it is acceptable for CRAP season to officialy begin. It appears that a record number of runners will be participating in CRAP this year (now that Fascists Against CRAP Training has been eliminated and Girls Against CRAP was determined to be a pathetically useless and pointless entity). But first of all, a few ground rules must be set before CRAPping can begin:

1. You are representing your school (ok, maybe not), your team (what team?) and yourself (ok, I guess only a couple of people are). So, if anybody makes fun of you for running when it's -20 outside and track doesn't even start for 3 months, you must respond profanely and violently.
2. Sidewalks are off limits. You must run in the middle of the road, blocking traffic for at least five miles in either direction (the more car accidents, the better).
3. You must not sing OR listen to any song by Faith Hill, the Barenaked Ladies, or any song featured on the Grease soundtrack.
4. Respect your CRAP rubes. Therefore, it is appropriate to ask Yoshi on a daily basis why he sucked so much in track last year.
5. No drinking carbonation is prohibited.
6. You must purchase your OFFICIAL C.R.A.P. t-shirt from either President Klaunig or VP Houchens (that is, as soon as the t-shirts become available, which will probably be sometime in May at the rate we're going now).
7. The words "fartlek", "rube", "jaundice", "ostentatious", and "Thoreau" MUST be used on a daily basis. Well, we'll probably let "Thoreau" slide, but that's it.
8. The following quotes from "Prefontaine" are to be the only sources of conversation:
-"Have some of that."
-"Doubtful, rube. Highly doubtful."
-"It's (say the time here), rube. You ready to run?"
-"This could be a great race, an historic race."
-"I f@#%&$ up!!! (must be said while crying)
-"Oregon iz ze land of ze bill coachez..."
9. Remember, FOOTBALL is god.

Now that you know the rules, you're ready for CRAP. All you have to do now is read the eleven introductory newsletters written by our honourable president, myself, and the ex-president of FACT, the son of Death.



CRAP #1 | FACT #1 | CRAP #2 | FACT #2 | FACT #3 | CRAP #4 | CRAP #6
P.A.R.C. #1 | F.A.C.T. #4 | F.A.C.T. #5 | C.R.A.P. #7


CRAP #1


"Achieving more than I thought necessary by giving more than was considered sane." TheKronic (SSP)

These immortal words by The Kronic (SSP) will not be long forgotten, and really nothing else can sum up C.R.A.P. better than his wise quote (SSP) which you just read. "Jiminy Cratchet! Did you just say crap?" you exclaim explicatively.
"Ha, ha , ha, yes." I chuckle at your ignorance. Let me just explain what C.R.A.P. is all about.

The History Of C.R.A.P. as told by TheKronic (SSP)
C.R.A.P., which stands for Cold Running Athletic Program, was first started by the Pagan Druids of Greenland, sometime between 1900 B.C. and 1976 A.D.. Amongst other things, the Druids of Greenland were a confused people. For one thing, they moved to Greenland to escape the mighty pressure they faced in the urban villages of Delaware, thinking "Hey, it's called Greenland, this must be a nice place with a tropical to temperate climate for which we can participate in our various rituals which are often misunderstood and subject to stereotype and prejudice by "regular" peoples. And look, it's probably not very cold like it's neighboring country Iceland would suggest from it's self-descriptive name." Those zany Druids, how wrong they were. Not only did they face the same oppression they had experienced back in New Hampshire, or wherever it was they were from , but they also had chosen a country with a very cold and barren climate, not suitable for "regular" peoples to dwell. Nonetheless, they were still subject to oppression and jaundice by all. Jaundice, let me just let that one sink in a bit; Jaundice. I'll say it again: Jaundice. Right about now, your probably asking yourself "What the heck is all of this stupid crap I'm reading here."
"Exactly."
"No really, what the crap does this have to do with running anyway?"
"Well friend, I've covered the C in C.R.A.P, we've still got quite a few letters to go. Sure, I could tell you the rest, but that's an entirely different story. Now you'll have plenty to look forward to in the many letters to come."

This passage, entitled How The Gnome Got It's Funny Hat, And Other Tales of Screaming Terror was written and conceived by the brilliant mastery of the TheKronic (SSP). All characters and places such as "the druids", "the pagans", "greenland", "iceland", "delaware", and "new hampshire", are all original creations by the TheKronic (SSP). Copywrite, Krap Press (NACSSP), a division of Nhut Associations International, all characters in this movie that bear any resemblance to "real" people in "real" life are in fact real, as opposed to those quote-unquote, "real" people who are either dead or fake (most likely made from tofu, or New Synth-fu!, a new synthetic brand of tufu, 98% old sanitarium matresses, Now 1/3 less spore producing mold. "Synthfu, because eating plants is wrong!" Synthfu is a division of ChronicTastes”, national food corporation, not a member of the fascist cult known as the FDA. ChronicTastes” is also a division of Nhut Associatons International, unless a lawsuit is filed, in which case all records of their involvement with us are immediatly destroyed, and our knowledge of them is denied profusely.

(straightjacket), Nosh


FACT #1


We here in the official board of the Fascists against C.R.A.P. training do not appreciate the constant stream of C.R.A.P. propaganda which has been flowing throughout the hallways of our schools, as well as the minds of our children. This direly inappropriate mumbo jumbo that has been not only created, and enhanced, and self endorsed by the one known merely as "The Kronic", is lewd, uncalled for, and quite frankly, inaccurate. For example, in the most recent installment of the "Unofficial C.R.A.P. Newsletter, it was stated not only that the "Druids" come from Delaware, but also that "Toledo" was located somewhere within the boundaries of Ohio. The board meeting of F.A.C.T. held for the sole purpose of dampening the immediate damage done by this so called "Unofficial C.R.A.P. Newsletter" agreed* not only that this information was not documented properly, but also that it was just plain factually inaccurate. Seven out of ten board members agreed that the "Druids" happen to have originated somewhere in the region of lower California, and are, by the way, currently extinct. Also, and additional six out of ten board members agreed that "Toledo", the alleged birthplace of "The Kronic", happens to reside in Spain, and that there is no feasible way that this "Kronic" could have been born in Spain in 1982, and also be present in "New Jersey" in 1801 in order to cause the "Great Salami Riot of 1801". Through this reasoning, we have found it necessary to not only ban the further publication of the "Unofficial C.R.A.P. Newsletter, but also to declare "The Kronic" legally "nonexistent". We apologize for your inconvenience, but will not shy from interrupting your peace of mind again if situations deem it necessary.
-F.A.C.T. services are made possible by civilians like you. We look for your support, and also suggestion** in the future. We hope that you may now continue to have a pleasant, uneventful day.
∑ Agreement is another word for "the loudest protesters against our cause were brutally flogged". We apologize for the inconvenience you may have been caused by the unclear usage of the word.
** We only look for your suggestion if you are already a member of our board. If you are not a member, you may not join. All suggestions given anyway will not be listened to, but they will not be ridiculed either, unless you are a freshman. Then, don't waste our time.



CRAP #2


"Alright, so what happened next in this stupid crap story?" you ask.

Oh yes, of course. Well, when we last left our heroes, they were are the mercy of the evil clutches of the-
"What the heck* are you talking about?" you ask politely.
What? Oh, um, What?
"What? Alright that's it! Tired of this crap, I'm leaving!" you walk away.
Wait, wait, I still haven't told you the story of CRAP.
"Fine, but make it quick."
Okay then, I will. The History of C.R.A.P.: Version 2.1 or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Slush (Ver. 2.1)
Well, let's recap: Those crazy Pagan Druids ended up in Newfoundland (pronounced New-fin-d-land, despite the fact that there is no Oldfoundland, no Foundland, and no Findland, but there is a Finland, but the government of Newfoundland refuses to acknowledge it's existence).
"I thought it was Greenland." You whine.
Yeah? Well, I thought that you were going to Shut The Heck* Up! But apparently I was wrong, so I guess we both made a mistake right there.
Anyway, the Druids ended up in Greenland, from their native land of Vermont, or whereever, from which they had been thrust out of once the German Hugonauts landed their fancy Voelks-Weigšun type space ships on the banks of the desert town.
"That's not what happened." You complain.
This line of dialoug had to be removed in order to keep a nice steady PG rating, if it had not, then it would most certainly result in an NC-STFU rating
As was stated previously, they had to face lots of oppression and such , blah, blah, blah, you know the rest.
As the brilliant umpteenth century writer, T. H. Ekronic once said, "With oppression oftentimes comes peasants with torches, not to mention pitchforks, knives (of various sorts), and spoons (including ladels, which are descendants of the spoon family)."
And that is exactly what happened.
And so ends our story, the end.
Silence is followed by you saying something to the effect of: This line of dialogue had to be removed in order to keep a nice steady PG rating, if it had not, then it would most certainly result in an NC-STFU rating, bitch
Hey now, settle down there tiger. Apparently I forgot to add the fact that they did a lot of running in order to escape the peasants, Hmm, I could have sworn I had mentioned that.
And all the rest can easily be put to together with common sense, you stupid This line of MF dialogue had to be removed in order F to keep a nice steady MFSOB PG rating, if it had not, then it would most certainly F result in an NC-STFU rating, GDMFSOB
*the word heck, in all of these cases, was merely a censor block, many much more, uh, colorful words could have and should have been used in it's place, MF.


FACT #2


"P.G."? This foul knave "Kronic" exposes the minds of our nations youth to this vulgar garbage and then has the audacity to term his production "P.G." It is precisely this type of lax behavior on the part of those that might even be loosely termed as role models that we on the board of Fascists against C.R.A.P. Training are endeavoring to eliminate. You see, for our nation to prosper as a whole, it becomes necessary to provide our future citizens, namely, the young people of our town, with a strong moral background*. They should be following the examples set by such fine moral leaders as the President, or our congressmen, not some "runner freak" who refers to himself only by "TheKronic". But, at times, kids will be kids, and they will follow whom they please. That is why The Kronic must shape up his act and provide the strong moral backings which our youth are truly searching for in their role models. They may act on the outside as though it is "action" or "action packed action" which they are looking for in their heroes, but it is actually "character", and, well, "character" that they are hoping will be present in their role models. Take, for example, the good Christian sports heroes which youth are currently idolizing, like professional basketball players, or such exceptional athletes as Mike Tyson or O.J. Simpson. All of these athletic idols realize how much their moral character means to their fans and spectators, and act accordingly. If only these "runner freaks" like "Kronic" and "Kurt-Otto" would realize this, and follow the exceptional example which is set by the other athletes of our nation. As a side note, we would like to bring to light the disturbing news that a certain sport, namely "cross country", is also showing the same sort of audacity as TheKronic by participating in a sport other than Football in the designated "Football Season". Their support was needed throughout this Football season, but instead, these "cross country atheletes**" decided that they needed to go and "run", instead of pushing themselves to their full potential in the act of supporting our Zionsville Football Team. We would merely appreciate it if the "runners" would stop being so selfish for once, stop participating in their own little "sport", and show proper respect to the Football Team. We apologize for the inconvenience which this newsletter may have brought you, but will not shy from interrupting your peace of mind in the future if it is deemed necessary. Football is God.

* "Good Moral Background" is used in this instance to mean, "the behavioral process of acting in the exact same manner as myself". We apologize for the inconvenience which the unclear usage of this word may have caused you.

** Athlete is used here in a loose sense. Everyone knows that these "runners" are not really athletes, since they don't play football.




FACT #3


We on the official board of F.A.C.T., which is, literally, the Board of Fascists Against C.R.A.P. training, are quite frankly appalled at the reaction of our nation's young people to the dire postings which have recently been shoved in their faces, and also smeared around a bit, recently. They out to have a bit more respect for the knowledge we are attempting to impart upon them, as they well would if they truly realized what dangers there are in running in C.R.A.P. To help deter these helpless young person, we have composed a comprehensive list of the negative side effects of C.R.A.P., and hope that every parent will take the time to go over these points with their children, to help the prevention of running become a family affair.
1) C.R.A.P. was, contradictory to what "TheKronic" may have told our pitiful young persons, founded by Satan to be used as a tool of evil in his plot to corrupt all mankind. Therefore, it can be assumed that "running" is closely akin to "devil worship". Also, "Cold Running Athletic Program" spelled backward reads "I love Satan and embrace the Dark Side*".
2) Running leads to the use of cocaine, heroine, and several other illegal narcotics**. It can be assumed that if your child is expressing the desire to "run" that he/she/it is already on crack. There is probably no hope for him/her/it, and we recommend that he/she/it be shot immediately with a high caliber rifle.
3) It is not legal to "run" in Indiana, as stated clearly in passage 42.3 of our State's Code, which reads "drugRUNNING IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED". If at any time you see anyone performing this clearly illegal activity of running, we recommend you inform your local sheriff immediately***.
4) Running is a dangerous and highly hallucinogenic activity. Anyone under the influence of running, C.R.A.P., or Chariots of Fire is not to be trusted, and should be viewed with extreme caution, preferably through a powerful telescope, because chance are at least 10 to 1 that they are currently armed and dangerous.
5) Democrats run, sometimes.
6) C.R.A.P. was founded by Satan. We can't stress this enough.
We hope that this information is enough to help deter you and any nearby young persons to not join C.R.A.P., or, if you are already a member, to quit immediately. And we aren't kidding, C.R.A.P. really is a tool of Satan****.

* Actually, it spells "margorp citelhta gninnur dloc", but under the influence of Crack, like these "runners" most certainly are, it looks sort of like "I love Satan and embrace the Dark Side"
** Not nicotine though. We good Christian peoples of Indiana do not condemn the use of cigarettes in any way, and are actually funded by the Tobacco Companies of America.
*** Your local sheriff can be found at the nearest "Donut Den". If he is not there, you might try checking "Dunkin Donuts", or perhaps the High School parking lot.
**** C.R.A.P. is not really a tool of Satan.



CRAP #4

YEAH, YOU HEARD ME, NUMBER, FRICK-ING FOOUURR!!!!! veiatche.

Well, the first official CRAP, uh, whatever, has come and gone. I would first like to congradulate all the people who showed up, one by one. But I forget who they are, so I canít. (oh yes, now I remember, Silverberg, Perry, Ramer, Kendrill, Meagan, and Karen-Speling Dusnt Cownt! This is america.) those are the only people I saw, but I figure more people might have been there due to the-uh, physics of running. You know, that branch of physics that makes more sense than vending machine physics*, but less sense than real**-uh, um, nevermind. Anyway, according to running physics, several runners can start out from the same general location, run the same general course, the same general distance, but not at the same pace***, and end up at the same general area, getting close to the same time, stretch, maybe cool down****, and never once see each other at all during the entire period of time for which this entire "ordeal" or "waste of time" which would be what it is called in laymens terms*****. This is the runners physics law of invisible runners. It states that if one is truly crazy enough to run under certain conditions, wheather they be weather, or physical, or mental (I would just like to stress that Mental aspect again, Mental.) then most likely they will be subject to "dillusional blocs"or in laymens terms (who are these leymans anyway, and what did they ever do for us?) when most people have dillusions where they see things that arenít really there, then in this condition, they donít see things that really are there, people too! So-uh, I guess, if anyone else ran who I did not see because my brain was giving me the moagly joagleys******, ja-oh, kay, I mean, uh, man , I donít remember what I was about to say, uh, um. Nevermind.

*vending machine physics-vending machines are governed under laws of physics which do not apply to any other part of the universe, aside from the space in which they occupy. In other words, vending machines think theyíre better than the rest of the universe and in many respects they are. More on this later, because you know Iím going to run out of ideas some time so Iíll just have to go back and elaborate on old oneís so it sounds like Iím still being original and creative.

** most "regular" people are unable to grasp regular physics which have governing power over more than half of reality. So, as Frank would probably say, "Youíre too stupid to understand this, so Iím not going to waste my time or superior mental ability on trying to explain it to you." (As you can probably tell, heís not likely to ever tudor anyone, and their not likely to get much from it even if he did.)

***It is impossible, impossible, (except for a few exceptions) I repeat, impossible, for 2 people to run the same pace at the same time. Maybe 3, 4, or even 7, but not 2, never, itís virtually impossible (except for a few people).

****Ha! If you did not laugh at any other part of this newsletter, you should have laughed right here. Ha!

*****Leymen is just another name for "the common folk", you know "the simple people", "the morons".

******Um, I-uh, what? Oh. nevermind.




CRAP Newsletter No. 6

Presented in

K R O N I C V I S I O N

with

SUPERIOR TANGENT QUALITY

Universal physics law of running number-uh, um, I don't know.

I guess it really shouldn't be called universal, because-uh, running is really only an activity, sport, whatever, that can be enjoyed* by a selective group, cult, uh, species, whatever. I mean, it's not like the-uh, the nematodes, can just go out and run. They can't even jump, and yet they're still called toads, for some strange reason. I mean have you ever seen one of these things? They just slink and sleam and filsh about like little wormy snake-like** things. I mean, I guess they're not quite advanced enough to be worms, or eels or even hagfish or lamprey for that reason. I suppose they're sort of like paramecium, or something. Is it paramecium or paramecia, plural that is, I don't know, sometimes those words that you don't use a lot are hard to put into the plural. I suppose that people that would use that word a lot would probably know which way it is and/or should be, but that brings up the dilemma of what one should call THOSE people. But really, let's get back to the main subject here. I've only seen these things (the worms) in action from the stock footage reels that they play to us in biology class, so it's not like I've ever seen them up close enough to really have any reference point by which to determine how small they really are. So, I guess the point of all this is that there are some creatures, in fact very many, in fact, I'd have to say about 99.9% (repeating, that is, but apparently I can't make that little dash symbol over the last nine because microsoft {wait, what the hell is this, how come I get the little red squiggly line underneath microsoft to tell me that I misspelled it, that doesn't go away until I capitalize the M, well that's just too damn bad.} software is the keystone at the base of the towering ziggurat of corporate evil*** {not to mention the fact that bill gates is a devious and kinieviling SpoC}) of all organisms present in the universe are incapable of truly being able to run, walk, or even-achsh, powerwalk****. Let's just see here, we have cilia, flagella, that little accordion thing that inchworms do, that whole bone-under-the-skin action that snakes do. I guess if something has more than 4 legs, it isn't considered to be able to run, okay, maybe six legs, but that's it. And once you drag in the six-legged creatures, you more than like-uh, well the number gets a heck of a lot bigger once insects are factored into the equation. Because, when you think about it, there are like, a lot of insects on Earth alone, so we're not even including all the ones which are out there being all extraterrestrial and such and soforth. Because, let's face it, in movies and things of the like, the aliens are almost always either insects, or reptiles, or in a few cases, humanoids, and when their not any of those, then they're just really frickin'***** weird******. And of course, as we all know, movies mimic real life, so they have to be true. But it's still not that big in relation to the number of organisms which can not run. I guess you could take away a few as well, if something flies of hops, it can't run, usually. If something swims, it usually can't run either. It's sort of like the whole evolution of superman problem. You see, originally, superman, in the t.v. show and comics and such, you know, back in the 20's or 50's or whenever, it used to say "he can leap over tall buildings in a single bound." It never said anything about flying. But eventually, like right over night, somehow he was suddenly able to fly. What the heck is this? Some people may try and pass this whole enigma off by saying that he could always fly, but he could jump really high as well. But you see, that just doesn't make sense, because why would he need to jump really high, if he could already fly, it's ridiculous, not to mention just plain sloppy. So really, the only explanation can be that somewhere, somebody goofed and all of a sudden gave him the ability to fly (most likely because the old superman, popularized by the early, but not the first superman television series, staring George Reeves {oddly enough, of no relation to Steve Reeves of Hercules fame, or even to Christopher Reeves, who went on to play superman in a string of four movies which spanned from the late seventies, throughout the eighties} appeared to have the ability to fly {due to the studio's low budget for special effects back then, they could not show him believably jumping up and over buildings, however they could easily show his head and torso and outstretched arms in front of a moving back drop of the sky, with the added sound effects of the whistling wind moving past him as he soared at incredible speeds. [ yet they never once took into consideration the fact that on many of his flights which may have taken him great distances from, say, the top of the daily planet to his hometown of smallville in a matter of seconds without any sort sonic boom resulting.]}) I could go on and on about the scientific and logical inaccuracies of this supposedly "super" man (when he flies, what type of propulsion system is he using, and where is it?) but that's not the point of all of this. The point is simply that we as humans are really quite lucky that we have the ability to run. I mean really, man-uh, just think of the-uh, the parameciums, the nematodes and so forth. I mean, they don't even get to hop, man. They don't even get to hop! They-don't-even-get-to-hop-man. They don't even get to, to-uh, to hop, man.

I think it's number 2-uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is number 2*******, now that I think about it.


*No one enjoys running, those that do, or think they do, are just under heavy drug regiments or psychotic influences, according to most people.

**Don't get me started on this one. I'll save my legendary (ssp) snake lecture, "Snakes Aren't Quite As Bad As Leprechauns: Reasons for which St. Patrick's Day has no justification to be celebrated, by anyone.", for when it is truly inappropriate.

***Yes, I know it's redundant, but it also just stresses the issue further.

****Ha! This is another one of those parts of a newsletter that should stand out as comedic, if nothing else strikes you're fancy that way. Ha! Powerwalking.

*****censored

******Examples include: massless goo and/or slime, giant, oversized rodents and other small housepets/nuisances, such as hamsters and lobsters, and finally, anything that hisses, growls, shrieks, or just salivates a lot.

*******Confused? GOOD! I mean, refer back to the beginning of this newsletter.





If you want to read more CRAP, FACT, or PARC newsletters, scroll back up to the top and use the list of links up there.



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